For so long I have felt different and alone. As a child of 12 I used to catch the bus for the hour long ride into the city just to feel a part of something. That practice continues today. I seek comfort in the community sometimes – particularly when I am drinking. When I drink alone at a bar, hotel or cafe, I do so to be social – to feel a part of society. Don’t get me wrong, I quite often sit on my own reading, then observing, then if I have the time or enough wine, I socialize. However I always leave alone and disconnected – feeling buoyed by the talk and safe in my anonymity.
I have always have the feeling I am searching for someone – someone I have lost. Someone who will find me.
Now, I don’t feel as different, I have found out that I do have a group that I belong to and they are there should I choose to accept them. I just have to reach out and ask – which is hard for everyone and I am no different.
At the moment I am part of a “hole” that is within me – one day I will be part of a “whole”.
Forgive me for the following – this must be written in the 3rd person for me to allow this to see the light of day – Isabella
Saturday afternoon and Isabella is lazing on the couch after a long, busy week at work. She is extremely tired – cannot stop yawning however she has tried to sleep without any luck – her brain will not stop and her body is not tired. However she is absolutely exhausted – a disgusting feeling.
Laying on the couch, Isabella fantasizes about a glass of cold white wine and pecan pie … she tries to distract herself, however not with any real intent on doing so. She has already made up her mind – pecan pie and white wine is in order despite the fact she spent the last week either drunk or hung over every day of the week. The drinking demon has been calling and Isabella has been answering – every 2nd day she has been smashed.
Finally, at a decent hour, once lunch rush is over, and she recognises there is no getting out of it, she heaves herself off the couch, announces to him that she is going out for coffee and won’t be long. Isabella knows that she has 1-2 hours max, and that she daren’t dress up out of harem pants and t-shirt just in case she gets drunk and continues to party on.
Ha. What a joke – she had no idea what was to come.
So she goes to a nearby cafe and has a *few* glasses of sparkling red wine, then walks to the closest pub and has a couple …. ok. ….. 5 glasses of white wine in an hour. Yep. In an hour. If you are doing the math, Isabella manages to pack away 8 – 9 drinks in less than 2 1/2 hours on Saturday afternoon.
She makes it home within a decent time – at least the 2 hours she had said. Luckily she hadn’t driven as all the amenities are within walking distance.
She then proceeds to share a bottle of sparking wine (champagne in the old terminology, bubbles for the cute) with him over dinner. Well.. Actually. He had two glasses and Isabella finished the bottle.
Well. It WAS Saturday night.
At around 10.30 they decided to go to bed – Isabella waited until she heard him snoring before she put her makeup on, got changed, put her cards and cash in her back pocket and snuck out of the house. She chose not to take her mobile phone – god knows why.
Walking to the pub, she is fully aware of what she is doing and why. She wants to party and she needs to have some FUN!
Isabella is feeling cute, fun and flirtatious – a little like Alice in Wonderland – too funky and retro to stay at home at least.
After 20 minute walk, Isabella gets to the pub and it is pumping…..walking up to the bar, Isabella is feeling in control and completely sober…. She knows that she definitely will not be going home with a guy for a one night stand – she has never done so and never will. She is there to have fun and let her hair down with some innocent fun, dancing and drinking.
A couple of glasses of bubbly kick-start the night, followed by vodka and soda.Isabella has loosened up and started to scan the pub crowd for a likely connection – correct – likely connection. She has slid into the 2nd stage of her addiction – the scoring of drugs – speed preferably.
I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.
My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.
Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.
So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:
I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.
The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.
Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.
BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.
I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.
It’s weird but the way I am going is unsustainable. It cannot keep going on.
But I feel like I don’t have a future anyway. I just can’t see it.
I desperately want to be the person that everyone thinks I am but in reality I am just a fuck up.
There is no way that I will hurt myself in this state of mind but I wonder why I am so self destructive.
I look at other women and they are nothing like me. Absolutely nothing like me.
I seem to be on a mission to prove something. But who to and what?
Who does the shit I do??? I know of no one else.
I have been so fortunate in my life in every aspect – there are many situations that I should not have safe. Yet I was. Do I have an innate ability to chose people that won’t hurt me? How long will that last if I do?
Or do I have hard working Angels who are about to give up, ringing their hands in despair? They can only do so much.
I am loved and I love.
But my demons seem to be too strong or I am weak.
I fear I am going to lose this battle and the casualties will be many. Which I desperately don’t want to happen.
But I don’t have anyone to turn to or help me. How can they understand something that I don’t?
