Author: Isabella

I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Has Gone ……

Feeling ungrounded and out of sorts is a trigger for me to want an escape, find something to ease the pain, help me feel or to simply be in control of something. Distraction is my default position.

Not drinking, taking any other substance, including food or medication, over shopping or escaping into work to manage the feeling of being lost and confused is a really hard lesson to learn. People’s natural instinct is to run, hide or deny uncomfortable feelings or situations.

The urge to run is also compounded when the feeling of a strong network or community is absent in one’s life, weak in strength or numbers or of a dysfunctional abusive nature.

The search for relief is also a distraction from the real issues in our life as we spend more time obsessing on how to find relief, taking the ‘medication’ and then, ultimately and in the short term, recovering from that supposed medication.

Alcohol and drugs are a temporary fix and medication – no sooner have we achieved the high we desired and the level of numbness required to not think and feel do we find ourselves having to deal with the inevitable lows that are the comedown. Then, dealing with the hangover or comedown takes up even more of our time and energy to recover from – again distracting us from the real issues.

Hence we are dealing with what it is known as a progressive disease – we need to drink more and more frequently to distract us from the pain and uncomfortable situations we find ourselves in.

The level of clarity that I am (occassionally) experiencing is wonderful. They are an indication that I am not crazy, that I am not nasty and spiteful or hateful, that I am a good person and that I do deserve to have a life filled with love, comfort and support.

Of course those times of clarity are more often that not in between times of confusion, pain and a feeling of loss – these feelings seem to be more prevalent than the clarity I seek. The highs and lows I am experiencing are frightening, crazy and amazing to observe yet as long as I try to step away from the feelings – they are just that – feelings. I hold onto the trust and the belief that the craziness will be soon followed by clarity and understanding and growth.

I have a sneaky suspicion that something I have been denying for many, many years is about to rear it’s head and I really do not know if I can ignore it anymore – particularly if I want to live a healthy, safe and happy life.

One thing I have now that I didn’t have a month ago seems to be a network of support and understanding – a network of people that are there for me if I so chose to be a part of it. I also have the knowledge that I am ok, that I will be ok as long as I don’t pick up that first damn drink.

I am really looking forward to having some FUN and share some laughter with the people in my life sooner rather than later. Unfortunately my sense of humour is quirky and the happiness I find is in the simple things – hugging my puppy, seeing her run, knowing that my animals are surrounding me with love and speaking to people who care.

Looking forward to another challenging day – of which I will no doubt grow and learn something new as a person who’s sight is no longer obscured by the rain.

Day 40 of My Sobriety

I wish I could celebrate and jump up and down with joy at hitting 40 days of sobriety. I am happy – truly – however with this 2nd round of sobriety has come the realisation that this is really my last chance.

Trust me – this is not a drum up, a depressive state or some bizarre way of convincing myself that I shouldn’t drink, this is the reality of my drinking to date. Sadly, and yes, sadly, I cannot drink ever again – not ever – unless I want to lose my entire life as I know it. Unless I truly want to lose everything that I love, cherish and have worked hard to build and gain.

Friday night I was really wanting to ease the pain that the week had bought to me – one of the hardest weeks for a long time because I was sober and I did not use anything to numb the feelings of failure, fear, resentment and anger. I just sat with the feelings, sat with the lessons and shut my mouth as much as I could – I cried a lot, despaired of myself and my moods and in the end faced reality.

If I was to drink again my life would get worse immediately. No doubt about it. Everything within me knows that I came close again this time to losing my relationship with The Boy and, once again, I am close to losing my job due to my inconsistent moods and inability to manage one staff member. Plus other reasons.

I was hit with this realisation on Friday night after an AA meeting – that had not helped in a positive manner – but had ripped my soul open and exposed the truth.

I am one of the lucky ones because I have stopped drinking before I lost it all.

My bottom is high, however if I do go out and drink again I will be left with nothing this time.

How depressing.

So I started to grieve for my old friend – and I seriously considered not breaking up with him, to stay with his stable warmth and see it through to the end. Was all this hard work of the past 40 days worth the break up with the beloved friend who had been there with me through thick and thin?

Yes. Everything I have been through is worth it for one reason – nothing I have gone through, or will go through, will be as bad as the future will be if I continue to drink. The pain will be far greater, the sorrow much deeper and the regret will be profound. If I live to see that day – which I have an uncomfortable feeling that I will because it is my destiny to live to extremes.

So. I have committed to follow the steps, ask for guidance and to not pick up the first drink for any reason and, although life is tricky, painful and it sucks in areas I am determined that I will not let it get worse due to my drinking.

Some catchup reading and reflections to, well, reflect on:

  • “Love and tolerance of others is our code” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p.84) – I need to practice loving others and to release all resentment, anger and hurt towards those that have harmed me – intentionally or not. I will focus on doing so to the best of my ability – otherwise I will rot from the inside-out.
  • “Fear … of economic insecurity will leave us” (AA, p.84) – I have lived my life in fear of economic insecurity since I was young. In fact, I know that if I continue to drink, the first thing that will go is my financial security. If I return to drinking I will lose my job and The Boy and I will end up exactly where my nightmares take me – where I really feel I belong, yet have spent my entire life fighting not to end up. I still feel that I am at the mercy of the Universe in relation to my job – this week at work showed me that – and I still do not have a strong grip on my finances and spending. I am meeting my commitments, still have my home, however am still living one pay to the next and about two months of pay in debt. So really not that bad, however if I didn’t shop like I do, I would not be in debt – however how minimal. Debt is debt when you don’t have a job.
  • “And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol” (AA, p84) – This week has been a lesson to stop fighting everything and everyone – do I think I have learnt the lesson in full? No. But I have tried to stop resisting, to listen and keep my mouth shut (extremely hard for me) and I was successful some of the time. Mostly at home, work is a different kettle of fish – I am severely conflicted at the moment, feel like a huge failure, like I am the most immature person in the world, and who needs to pull her head in and grow up. I am mortified that my drinking has bought me to this place that I am quite obviously unbalanced and too immature to do this highly responsible job. Yet I know that my heart is in the right place, that I can do the work and develop a strong team – my drinking has just severely impacted my judgement and my behavior. It remains to be seen if the situation is salvagable – I keenly hope so as I truly like the work, the people and the role – I just haven’t like myself.
  • “Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic” (AA, p.33) – enough said really.
  • “I often did not think … (I) reacted to people and situations” – When I was drinking I was a ball of reaction and resentment – I did not, and could not think the situation through. My brain was too crowded and foggy to be able to make a clear assessment of my next step or word, so I responded on impulse and regretted instantly. To cover the pain, to dull my response time and calm the biting pain I would drink to take it all away, to no longer have to think things through or over. Soon, I was drinking to just survive as I found myself lost and confused without a drink or a hangover – I needed the relief of wine in my system to remind myself that I could feel something and control something even as I was losing control of myself.

And finally.

Today is Gratitude Day.

I am so grateful that I have this 2nd opportunity to live life to its fullest, to have this last opportunity to right the wrongs and live life sober.

So grateful that I am able to attempt to change my work situation sober – that I am not still drunk and having to deal with being fired.

Grateful that The Boy is still here by my side and my heart no longer burns with the acid of resentment and pain of yester years.

Grateful that I still have a dog, my cats, family and friends and a place to call my own.

Amazed that the Universe is giving me this last chance to get my shit together – because God knows I have been given many opportunities and have been saved too many times.

Understanding that the future I fear could be mine if I so choose – so choose to continue to drink – the life of my nightmares is waiting just around the corner for me. The beast is hungry for new meat, new pain and a new plaything that is in the depths of despair – that will be me if I continue to drink away my so-called demons.

Hope that the life I dare to dream of will be mine if I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, to do any work that is required to keep safe and healthy.

Day 40 is a good day.

Isabella.

xx

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I Am Blessed

Such an emotional day today – from the pits of despair one minute to a sense of safety and comfort 30 minutes later.

Where to start?

I had three things on mind this morning that were creating great anxiety and stress which I kept on praying and reminding myself that everything would look different by this time next week.

So – quick wrap up.

Last night I told The Boy how upset I was about him going to the strip club and how betrayed I felt – it didn’t go down exceptionally well, but at least I said something.  Still felt emotionally scarred and hurt, however I told him.

Today I met with The Manager and, although the two hour meeting was not pleasant, and tears were cried (a little), we are both on the same page, and nothing was really a surprise. What was clear is that I am starting to face the mess that my drinking has caused – the unmanageability of my life and the consequences of my actions. Painful but OK.

THEN (yep) the day isn’t over yet – I met my sponsor and spewed out all of my thoughts and feelings, did Step Three and am now on Step Four. Am I proud, pleased and amazed? Yes I am. I am also incredibly thankful for AA, for my Sponsor and my friends that I have made in AA – of which I have gained great strength from.

After walking out of my Sponsors apartment, I called my budding Kitty Kat, who has 40+ days sober and was struggling. Bad news. She had fucked up on some medication which took her straight back to Day 1 which then prompted the evil addiction of alcoholism to dig it’s claws into her tender flesh. She is drinking whilst I type and we are texting each other. I am so sad for her, but safe in my own sobriety – my sobriety comes first. Yet I refuse to not be there for someone in need and as long as she answers my texts I will be there for her supporting her. Dear sweet girl. I know something of where she is right now and I can only be there when/if she comes back. Never turn my back on her but never lose sight of my own safety.

So, I then went home to my sick Boy and hugged him and shared some good feelings and love. My gorgeous little girl Sparkles begged me for a ‘mummy’ walk – her 3rd for the day – so I invited The Boy and we went for a walk. And counted my blessings and shared my story about Kitty Kat with The Boy as a demonstration of how easy it is to fall down.

I can now reflect on the day, give thanks for all of my lessons I have been taught today and in the recent past.

I am blessed each day I am sober and each day I am given another day to make amends by following Gods will.

So in eight hours I went from:

 

To this:

To being blessed because of this:

 

Isabella.

xxxx

 

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