Unfathomable Life

A quickie

Just a quick note for today.

Life is a little confusing, up in the air, intense and not at all bad. What’s going on:

I have been consumed with work for the last week – literally consumed – and sleeping for 5 hours, waking up on Saturday and Sunday at 4am and working for hours. Knowing that the next 6 weeks are going to full on focus on my staff, training them and ensuring that they are fully trained and able to excel at their work. And it feels like everything is on my shoulders. Without support or positive feedback from my Manager (who is another state). But that’s ok – I know that I don’t need smoke blown up my arse.

My grandfathers 90th yesterday – and he spent the lead up worrying that he wouldn’t make it, then spent the day overwhelmed god love him. It was hard to see how old my grandparents are and how scare of dying they appear to be. I hope that I face my death with dignity and strength and positivity – I don’t want to end my life afraid and thinking the end is within the next minute.

The Boy is away for ten days – in the UAE of all places. And, if he likes working over there, and is offered enough money, I have agreed that we will up and move over the for 12-18 months. Which means giving up my job, leaving my poor mother behind, leaving AA and support group I have built up over the last 8 weeks, potentially leaving behind my beloved dog, and everything else that comes with moving across the world. Did I mention that if we agree, he has to be there mid April? I am excited, scared, up for it for soooo many reasons, but at the same time there is a huge amount of anxiety because, well, let’s just say that I don’t do change well. At all. I tend to (cough) drink too much to cope. So. Interesting.

My health is a bit of an issue at the moment – my Gastroenterologist did some testing last Monday and he ruled out Chron’s disease, however whatever is going on, it seems to be progressive (just like alcoholism) and has been getting worse in the last 2 weeks – to the point I am eating minimal food due to the discomfort and lack of appetite. However, the positive thing is I have lost 3kgs in one week.

I am already distancing myself this week – possibly because I am so damned tired and lacking in sleep, however I am worried about myself as I am isolating myself which is BAD.

So bad that I was seriously toying with the idea of drinking tonight and nearly went out to buy a bottle – imagined myself doing it – it was just lucky that my feet didn’t follow my brain. To distract myself – even for a minute – I didn’t feel like it – but I logged on and read my comments from my readers. Boy – I still cannot believe that people actually read and comment – but knowing that some people care actually made a huge difference. Such a big difference in that I didn’t drink.

So thank you everyone for your support. I am feeling guilty that I have yet to touch base with you all and read your stories, however when my life is a little less crazy and I have some time, I will be reading, following and supporting.

Love.

Isabella.

xxxxx

Health Issues of the Alcoholic

Self Will Run Riot

“So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!” Alcoholics Anonymous. p.62

I still have difficulty understanding Self Will and that I was consumed with myself all the time.

HOPE – The Message For Today

Exactly what I needed today:

“Do not be discouraged. Few experiences are of less value to me than fast sobriety. Too many times discouragement has been the bonus for unrealistic expectations, not to mention self-pity or fatigue from my wanting to change the world by the weekend.

Fatigue is a big one for me this 2nd time around and 15 days into sobriety. I am physically spent, however I am pushing myself in all areas and it is definitely affecting my health.

Last year I had six months sober – AA fatigue and unrealistic expectations and self-pity allowed me the excuses to go back to drinking – with a vengeance.

So I know I am at risk this early on in my journey.

“Having come to believe that I keep what I share, every time I encourage, I receive courage. It is with others that, with the grace of God /HP and the Fellowship of AA (and others), I trudge the road of happy destiny”.

Key words for me:

Shared
Encourage
Trudge
HP
Others

This week has been physically challenging and of great discomfort, however the flip side is the mentally and spiritually I have been feeling great love, receiving great love and am reaching out, and reached out to, by many people. People that I had never imagined I would be speaking with, learning from and sharing love and honesty. This has been my lesson this week – clear mind, healthy heart and the world is my oyster. But only as long as I give what I receive.

Isabella.

Step 1 – Is My Life Unmanageable? (Reposted)

I have been told (advised) by my sponsor to think about how my life has become unmanageable. Because – you see – I am struggling to understand at a deep, intrinsic level, that my life is in danger and has become unmanageable. I have a strong desire to stop drinking and stop the madness, however the addiction is strong and the voices persuasive.

My life on the outside is one that many people would envy and is one that I can see that I am very fortunate to have. I am not overly wealthy, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life (no kids, not married), however I am safe, secure and have people who love me for the person they think I am.

Yet. On the inside, I am a boiling cauldron of hot mess and I have a self-destructive nature that is constantly battling the urge to live, succeed and be healthy. It is an ongoing battle that is an internal one.

So – is my life unmanageable? Let’s see:

I am constantly wanting to divorce myself – to leave me behind;
I am paranoid and constantly worrying that there is something going on that I am not aware of;
Fear is a large part of my daily life – I am petrified of being caught out, seen as a fake, a failure;
I am constantly depressed – occasionally with thoughts of ending it all, however not having the energy to bother;
I am moody and all over the place – I feel my highs and lows hourly;
Confusion is a constant – I don’t understand others, I am always trying to figure things out;
Normality is an unknown to me yet I strive for it and feel the absence keenly;
Lying is a big part of my life – lying about drinking, how much I have had, how much I have spent, why I am late – always to cover up a binge.

The list could go on, however looking at it these feelings have been with me since I was a child. So yes. My life is unmanageable – my internal life is rather than my external. I cannot go on as I am – I don’t have the energy or the will. The only way to stop the insanity is to stop the cause.

Alcohol is a poison to me – one drink will set me off again.

BUT. There is good news – I am now six days sober – by 12pm tonight I will be seven days sober.

I will share the last binge with you another day soon – when the horror has died down a little, and when I need another injection of reality as a reminder why I need to stop drinking.

Isabella.

xxx

*** Reposted as I will be starting a Steps insight as I am now up to Step 2 and would like to focus more on my recovery steps and my experiences with AA, as well as my daily challenges, difficulties and wins.