Crushing Sadness

I feel this crushing sadness and heaviness to my whole being – hard to describe, but like nothing can lift it, I cannot be bothered to even verbalize the pain I feel.

It is all I can do to care enough to try to get out of this funk, to even bother trying to get my message out tonight.

Not really a hard day, just a day of soul sapping, non events that I cannot control – in fact, I was fine at work but now I am at home I feel like crying. If I had the energy and the desire to discuss with The Boy.

Three things are bothering me – from the greatest to the least (I think):

  1. Work continues to be a point of stress – I think it will be until I see The Manager tomorrow and we have our meeting. However  a huge part of me wants to listen to his (undoubtedly) negative feedback – because of course I am the all knowing – and then throw a resignation in his face. Stupid thing is that I really like my job – I just do not have support or assistance.
  2. Moving or not moving to Abu Dhabi. So.Over.It.

I know …. nothing of the above can be controlled by me, I know that I have to ask for help to manage the feelings of anxiety and depression. I know that this too shall pass, that I will wake up in the morning and feel better – in fact – I will feel better once I speak to The Manager tomorrow so that is one issue off my mind.

Too bad I cannot seem to shake the low feelings.

Crushed.

Really.

Crushed.

Anxiety Attack

Today I have had a day of anxiety attacks off and on.

It is Monday today and I am in the middle of a 4-6 week training program of my new staff that I have had to create, develop and rollout without assistance from any part of the business. Plus my Manager is coming down from Sydney tomorrow and I have a 3 hour meeting with him, that I am slightly nervous about.

Work feels rocky at the moment with a lot of going on, a lot of focus on me and my team with minimal support from my interstate Manager. So I am feeling really out in the cold and without a life jacket – I am just trying to keep afloat, meet my business targets and keep my team focused, happy and bringing in revenue. I am supporting them all as much as I can, however without any ‘go to’ person witihin my office or state so no one to bounce ideas, issues or frustrations off.

AND.

The Boy still hasn’t found out about Abu Dhabi – his work has only JUST asked if he is interested and at what package …. so we are still a few days (if any) away from making a life changing decision. Which is stressing me.

I know it shouldn’t but it does – I want to know NOW.

Having spoken to Kiitty Kat (AA buddy) this afternoon, we agreed that I should be trying to live in the now and try not to worry about the future as I cannot control it.

I can only control myself … and even that is questionable at times.

So I am trying to focus on now, rather than ‘what if’.

Doing a lot of ‘shifting it out of my focus’ and begging for assistance to get rid of that horrible anxious, butterfly, sick feeling that I usually drink on – at least I used to know what a drink felt like and how I would feel like afterwards.

Will just focus on getting through today, then tomorow and let the rest worry about itself.

Well that’s the plan.

12 Steps of AA & Prayers

The 12 Steps Of AA:

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

12 Step Prayers:

3rd Step Prayer – ” God [of our own understanding], I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always.”

7th Step Prayer – “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding.”

11th Step Prayer – “We ask God [of our own understanding] to direct our thinking, especially asking to be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self seeking motives. Thy will be done.

Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things we can,

And wisdom to know the difference.”

 

Sobriety Counter

34 days sober

**
Drinks not consumed: 120

Calories saved: 14,461

$$ Saved: $607.00

No wonder I have lost 3kgs, although I don’t seem to have saved money … but have bought a few new clothes – nothing unusual.

It’s been rocky in many ways, except for the cravings for a drink – they are non-existant 98% of the time. It’s just the other shit that I have to deal with, which makes me closer to normal than ever before.

** This is based on approximately 3.5 drinks a day which would be absolutely right. At $5.00 per glass.

Isabella.

xx

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