Quick Update

Well …. its been a long time since I have been here.

 

I have read back through a lot of my words, and wow, so confused, fucked up and basically a mess.

 

The good news is that I feel like I am on the way to happiness…. real happiness. Core happiness.

 

I don’t feel like I am trying to herd cats when it comes to my thoughts.

 

I don’t wonder what is it all for, why do I bother getting out of bed? Is it worth it, what’s the point and can I escape my life, me.

 

I feel like I am on the way out of the depression that had me for as long as I can remember.

 

I now know why people get out of bed in the morning happy.

 

I understand why a simple thing like walking the dog is not a chore but a blessing.

 

I get why people want to be healthy and fit.

 

Why normal people love, laugh and sing.

 

It’s because life can be great if you let it.

 

If you don’t fuck it up by hanging around the wrong people for you, work in an environment that does not suit your skills and personality.

 

I have figured out you get back what you put out and in.

 

For the first time ever I feel like I am beginning to know who I am and I may like her.

 

So how did this come about?

 

In May I lost/quit/resigned from my well paid corporate job through stress. Then started my own business working by myself, for myself, with clients I like. I will not pretend that it has been easy – it hasn’t at all, it’s been stressful, tiring and a huge learning curve which is still occurring.

 

However, what it has given me is this:

 

  • The ability to choose my hours, my clients, my work and my environment.
  • Structure my own day and week so that I can work towards incorporating a good work/life balance –
  • walk the dog if I don’t have meetings in the morning,
  • exercise 3–4 times a week is an aim,
  • eat well is still an aim,
  • be happy and positive with loved ones,
  • be there for friends.
  • Appreciate life and nature

 

Finally, it has given me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings – because I am working towards being fulfilled and happy. I still have my incredible days of depression where I wonder why I bother, why do I keep going, and question if anything is worth it. However those days seem to be getting less and less thankfully.

 
I still have a long way to go and expect a few more ups and downs, but overall I know that I am on the right path finally and will continue to work at it.

 

“Happiness is not a destination. It is a way of life”

 

 

 

Isabella.

 

x

 

Health Health (Photo credit: 401(K) 2012)

 

Fractured

Fractured and torn.

Upside down and inside out.

Losing grip on reality, capturing it for a fleeting moment, only to watch the wisp of normality slip through my fingers.

The Boy: “Just be normal!!!”

Me (screaming): “WHATS NORMAL????? HOW AM I NOT NORMAL?????”

I know I am not ‘normal’ – and please don’t start the age old debate about what is normal is abnormal – we don’t need to intellectualize the concept.

I am struggling with normal reactions, emotions and how to respond in social situations – I have always had to be careful, wary and watchful to ensure that my reactions are appropriate. I am constantly trying to assess my reactions, copy others, think of the way I should be responding rather than being the awkward adolescent I am.

The longer I am sober, without drink or drugs, the harder it is to hide the fact that my grasp on reality and life is tenuous at best. Since I can remember, I have always looked for cues on how to behave, react and just be – I have used other peoples perceptions and standards be my guide on who to be.

To my grandparents – I was the perfectly respectful grand-daughter who always wore the clothes they liked, had my hair neatly in a bun or ponytail, stood silently until spoken to, called everyone Mrs/Mr and was the most politest child I could possibly be. In return I had their unconditional love and support, the safety of their home and was looked after well. I was loved.

To my mother – I was the Mother. I looked after her. I was the grown up. I still am today, although I feel like a lie, an alien and I wonder how long I can keep up appearances.

I always related best with adults – they always had an agenda and an expectation of who I was. Children didn’t – they allowed you to be who you wanted to be which was scary as I didn’t know who I was. So I became a grumpy, surly and defensive little thing – hard to make friends with, but once you broke down the ice fortress I was overly sensitive and continually watching and trying to fit in.

Now, as an adult, I am lost. Completely and utterly lost. I don’t know who I am, where I am going or who I want to be. I am raw, without protection or layers of skin – I have been flayed in the last 6 weeks until I do not know who I am. Nor do I have people around me who want to tell me who I am – they just want me to be me.

How can I be me if I am afraid of me? Afraid of who I will find if I let me out. I am petrified and feel like I have lost grip on everything I had built up – I felt myself in some parts of my job, yet that has gone and that persona is too harsh and structured for real life.

I want to be happy, free and loving – I just don’t know how to be.

I am upside down and inside out and feel like I am in pieces – scared that I will shatter even further until no-one will be able to put the pieces back together again.

Now I know why I was so scared of reality – in reality there is no me.

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