What happened to my life?

What in hell happened.

I am standing in the ashes of my life ….. stunned and mute….

Everyone has gone – death has taken them from me – my entire family in the last 24 months have died.

My relationship is dead.

I don’t have a job anymore.

But I DO have the lovely option of studying and working as a volunteer working with people in need of the very basics – food and shelter.

So, although I am completely on my own, I am blessed. Truly blessed.

Life could be worse. Life has been worse. Life will be worse if I am not careful and take care of myself.

The story will be shown to you dear reader of this diary.

Just stick around and I will tell you in pieces.

Love, Me.

xxx

 

girl

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Dodson ADHD Center –

Willliam W. Dodson, M.D., is a board-certified psychiatrist who has specialized in adults with ADHD for the last 22 years. A former faculty member at Georgetown University and the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center, Dodson is a Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association and a member of ADDitude Magazine’s Medical Advisory Board.

Dr. Dodson uses a multimodal treatment for Adult and Teen ADHD.

Dr Dodson writes:

I have been specializing in adults with ADHD for 22 years.  I have found that some parts of the ADHD syndrome could only be talked about after the person had gotten to know me and see me as a person who liked them just as they were and didn’t see them as flawed or defective.  After our relationship developed over time and some trust was established, patients were confident enough to reveal a part of their emotional lives that they did their best to keep hidden.  This became such a universal experience that it is now the first trait I ask about on the checklist after the traditional 18 childhood criteria from the DSM IV…

  • “Question # 19:  For your entire life have you always been much more sensitive than other people you know to rejection, teasing, criticism, or your own perception that you have failed or fallen short.”

Over the last 20 years 99.9% of my ADHD patients have not just endorsed this criterion positively; they have underlined it, put stars by it, and added “This is my major problem!!!”

This is the definition taken pretty much verbatim from an old psychiatric textbook of a technical term called Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).  This, in turn, was the hallmark of an unofficial diagnosis called Atypical Depression.  In other words, clinicians only saw what they already knew (depression rather than ADHD) and continued to think in terms of mood but just said it was not typical as compared to other mood disorders.  The reason that it was not typical was that it was not a mood disorder, it was ADHD.

The term dysphoria is literally Greek for “difficult to bear”  which should give you some idea about how painfully your husband experiences your pointing out his short-comings no matter how helpful you try to be.

People with ADHD nervous systems often state that this RSD is the most disruptive aspect of ADHD in their adult lives.  They have found ways to manage the ADHD impairments in their academic and work lives.  It is the constant vulnerability to being “wounded” by anyone at any moment that continues to throw them into a tailspin without warning and then disrupt their lives for days with obsessive worry about “what did I do to make them hate me so much?”  It does not even have to be real rejection or criticism (although that is common enough in the lives of people with unrecognized and untreated ADHD).  Perceived criticism and withdrawal of love and respect is just as devastating as the real thing.  Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria is often experienced as if it were a physical wound.  Patients will hunch over and clutch their chests as if they have just been stabbed with a spear in the chest as they recount episodes in which they have experienced RSD.  People tend to react in one of two ways.  If they internalize the pain they can instantaneously drop into a full Major Depression-like syndrome complete with suicidal thoughts and impulses.  The difference, of course is that unlike Major Depression which comes on over weeks to months for no identifiable reason the plunge of RSD is instantaneously complete and clearly triggered by some perceived rejection.  Because RSD is always triggered by some event and because the mood shift matches the nature of the trigger, the internalized RSD can be considered a normal mood in every way except its intensity.

The RSD can also be externalized.  This usually takes the form of a rage at the person or situation that wounded them so severely.  Luckily, this period of rage is usually expressed verbally instead of physically and passes relatively quickly (Dr. Tim Wilens refers to these sudden, short outbursts as a “bottle rocket temper”….fzzzt and it’s over for the ADDer although the rest of us are still getting up off the floor).  It should not be a surprise then that informal surveys of persons who are court-mandated to anger management classes due to “road rage” or domestic violence have found that 50% of both groups have previously undiagnosed ADHD.  The combination of neurologically based rejection sensitivity and impulsivity combine to produce a violent response before the ADDer can see it coming and gain control of the outburst.

Original article written and found: http://www.dodsonadhdcenter.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/

Reset button

“I am currently unsupervised, I know, it freaks me out too…..
But the possibilities are ENDLESS!!!!”

Yep. Unsupervised. SCARY????

Yep.

Nope.

Possibly.

I have spent the last few months (read 6 months) just wanting to press RESET…. I wanted to throw everything away – job, apartment, new relationship – EVERYTHING.

I dreamt and day dreamed of getting out of the car on a busy, fast freeway and a semi coming along and collecting me. BAM. Done. Gone. Without fuss. Without action from me. Just GONE. You must have seen the ads – the guys is driving, he is texting and stoned and his girlfriend talks him into pulling over on the side of a busy freeway so she can drive. He gets out and BAM. He is collected by a semi. Gone in an instant.  That’s what I wanted. A lot.

Things were building up …. I couldn’t handle things anymore.

Then after an incident with the little ray of sunshine, my grandmothers funeral and seeing my abusive uncle for the 2nd time in 20 years I lost it. I swallowed a bottle of pills after a lot to drink. And it was bliss. Exactly what I wanted.

Then I woke up. In hospital. With the little ray of sunshine looking at me over the side of the hospital bed. Works out that he had called an ambulance and they had to revive me as I was ‘unresponsive’. And covered in bruises from the wonderful hospital nurses and doctors attempts to get me to respond.

Am I proud? No.

Was this the first time? Yes.

Do I understand why I did it? Yes.

Do I regret it? No.

Would I do it again? Not now.

Because it served, as with most life experiences, as a ‘reset’ button, a ‘low’ that you can only go up from – if you are lucky enough to have the opportunity. I know so many people that were successful in easing the pain as they needed to and the only people that suffered afterwards was their loved ones.

That incident has now created the Universe to kick me up the arse and start listening to ME, and what I need and want. To not live my life for other people … to live it for me.

 

For that I am thankful.

 

And to the little ray of sunshine and the Dr’s and nurses that were there that night.

It could have been much different.

 

Isabella.

xxxx

The Universe Knows Best – Don’t fuck with it

You know, the Universe does know best.

If you try to ignore it, fuck with it or go against it’s wishes it will always draw you right back to where you should be.

2013 has officially been my “Annus Horribilis” as the lovely Queen once described one of her years. Que – wave….

Yet, throughout the year, I seem to have grown stronger and able to handle situations without the major dramas, crash and burn states that I have in the past. Let’s recap shall we? Let’s go:

  • November 2012 – slept with a random guy I met at a pub (a first one night stand with a stranger), then had to go home the next morning (bed hair and thank god sunglasses) and face the music with The Boy. Which resulted, predictably, with us splitting up. I moved out within 4 days – some would say with tail between legs, I would say with the words “FREEDOM” yelled at the tops of my lungs. I then, embarrassingly, proceeded to beg to go back, whilst, bizarrely searching for my own apartment and looking at furniture. But. Once I realised that I could do this grown up thing called life, I stopped begging and started moving into my brand new apartment.

  • December 2012 – my grandfather took really ill and I had to organise for him to go into a nursing home – a truly devastating time for my grandmother as they had lived together for 60+ years and had rarely spent time apart. I wasn’t working through this time so I spent my time at home in my gorgeous apartment, looking after my family and, well, working through my “to do list’. You know your “To Do List” – of men you wanted to fuck? My list was embarrassingly short but I made good work of it.

  • Feb 2013 – My beloved and gorgeous grandfather died. All three women in his life were beside him to witness his last breath. I would not have changed anything.

There was one very inappropriately funny moment – my mother, grandmother and I were by Pa’s bed and we had been blessed to say goodbye to him. Pa knew that this would be his last day – he wasn’t sick, just old – and we had all privately spoken with him. To say our goodbyes – I don’t know what my mother said and it’s none of my business. Same with my Nana – she adored that man and Pa had said to her “I never ever cheated on you love” and my Nan replied “I know love”. Me? I asked for forgiveness and apologised for the pain I had caused, the time spent ignoring him or not speaking with each other. I told him that I wished I could change the past – he forgave me and said “It’s alright love – we always loved you”. I promised to look after Nan and Mum – both knowing that Nan was the warrior out of us three women.

So there we were – all holding his hands talking to him, hugging each other and telling him it’s ok to let go. Pa takes a deep breath …. then ….. nothing. No more movement. No more breathes. We found ourselves holding our own breath while we tried to accept the fact that it was his last.

Suddenly, Pa’s eyes fly open. He looks around and asks “Am I dead yet!?!?” I kid you not. We were all equally shocked, speechless and, inappropriately, we all burst into hysterical laughter as we reassured him that no – he wasn’t dead yet.

Once we had settled ourselves down, Pa closed his eyes and drifted back to his inner world. We three warriors watched patiently and silently again – each of our breaths synced with his. Until, finally, we were holding our breaths awaiting for his exhale – as he breathed out we anticipated his next inhale. Which did not come – he had passed away before our eyes – no laughter or confusion this time. Just peace, calm and love surrounding him – a dignified and quiet death interspersed with humour. Exactly as he had lived – quietly with silent strength and dignity – a gentleman in every sense of the word.

  • March 2013 – My auntie died of cancer – another devastating blow to our small family. Only three of us women left now. We are all little soldiers – my nan, my mum and I.

  • April 2013 – A little ray of sunshine – Joey- I met online started being in my life by text and email. A couple of dates and the start of something new.

All through this, I dealt with the “Unreasonable Control Freak” (otherwise known as The Boy) about a settlement, have lost my home, my gorgeous dog, my two beautiful cats, a number of “friends”, took on a immensely stressful Management role against my better instincts (damn you Universe you were right). My best friend moved 3,000kms across the country, my mother has had numerous hospitalisations, work has been horrifically stressful and long hours, I saw my fathers mother for the first time in 20 years, also saw my uncle who was abusive to me as a child and …….. basically tried to keep my shit together.

Fuck. How the hell did I do it?

Well, the little ray of sunshine turned out to be the best thing to have happened to me in many years – in many, many ways. And. After knowing him for eight (yes 8) weeks, I promptly moved him into my apartment and life. Was I scared? Yep. But. For once in my life I made a decision based on MY gut instinct, my intuition and for me. There are issues but they are workable. What he gives me is total and utter support, unconditional love and encouragement to be me. When I met him, I was feeling extremely unsexy, dressed down, didn’t really care about myself but he has shown me how to love again. And I started realising that I was worth something, not the loser that the Unreasonable Control Freak kept on telling me I was, I started realising that I am a good person and deserve to look after myself as such.

Yep. A big year so far.

And, funnily enough, chronologically, I am only up to June……

In the last four weeks, I have ended up in hospital, lost my job and basically lost everything again.

Yet. I am the happiest I have ever been, as I know now that I can do anything and, when the Universe tells you to do something, you fucking do it. Because if you don’t it will make you do it even if the Universe has to almost kill you to get your stupid life back on the track it is supposed to be on.

So, anyone who thinks they are going through shit – yep. You are. But keep focusing on what you should be doing, what is guiding you and keep on track…. otherwise you will be thrown back on track. Forcibly and painfully.

Isabella.

xxxx

In retrospect

People enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. At the time you never know why, and its only at the end that you are able to reflect on the impact they have had.

The Boy has gone. I would like to say long gone, however he is not. Yet. He is still in the shadows, working away at spreading pain and derision my way. Nothing has changed – not even my reactions to his bile. Although my skin is tougher now and I grow stronger each time he shows his true nature, he still hurts. The Boy is the only person that causes my blood to boil, I see red, feel like I am nothing, I don’t belong and, worse still, completely helpless.

The settlement has taken nine long months. Culminating in him finally admitting that he has screwed me, telling me to “grow some balls at the negotiating table”. Funnily enough it didn’t hurt me as much as I thought it would. I’m relieved. It’s an old saying, but karma will be a bitch. I hope.

I do however long for my home. It’s spring and the smell of the ocean, the leaves on the trees rustling and the hope that is in the air still lingers in memories of my home lost. My animals, my dreams and my sense of who I was in the world. All lost. For good reason. I hated who I was. I didn’t fit in, I was living a lie, telling lies and my soul was dying.

I look back and remember how each day was started with an argument, or a look of disdain – worse – nothing at all. No acknowledgement or simple act of kindness or love. Regardless if I had been a good girl or nothing at all.

Mostly I was the girl crying in the bathroom, trying to keep the tears at bay, scared of being told off by The Boy. Which happened a number of times. My silence was required, if I showed my emotions or hid away to weep, he would barge in, throwing open the door and scream at me. No comfort or emotion. Just rage.

So I took to having showers frequently – that way he couldn’t hear my tears. I would weep, rage and bang my head on the wall to stop the pain, grow some balls and change my life.

Yet. Still I stayed.

Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was done. Done. DONE.

So I annihilated my life as I keep knew it. Blew it up.

I knew when I was begging for a last chance that I didn’t want it. Couldn’t and shouldn’t have it. I had already had another man. The complete no- no. Yet I wanted to still win, have the last say, leave on my terms, at my time and in my way.

Of course I couldn’t do that. I had to leave as the victim, scared that I couldn’t manage my own life, make my own decisions and look after myself. Be the child that I had been up until then.

Now I had done it. Forced my way into adulthood, forced myself to look after myself.

I was scared, but liberated and free! Free!

I did it, I made adult decisions, committed to a high end apartment, without an income. Set myself up with furniture and household goods, made a home and started living as an adult.

Now, nearly nine months later I look back, and recognise what a train wreck of a year it has been. How strong I have become, how good and bad decisions don’t matter – it’s the actual choices that you make and the act of making them. Rather than sitting and waiting to be told what to do, how to feel and when to feel it.

2013 has had a lot of pain, growth, strength and commitment already. Out of this dark, torrid year a lot of light and movement has occurred. I just need to now focus on the positive, releasing my need to control, to live up to other people’s standards. I need to work out my own.

And all through this I need to keep the darkness at bay and the let the light shine through.

With light there is love.


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