Life is slowing down again since May fall out.
To cope I have reverted back to keeping busy. I’ve been keeping myself busy with major projects – outside garden revamp, inside house clean out and re-arranging of every room and adding indoor plants.
Luv,
Me.
Life is a fog of unseen and untold events and memories – this year has culminated in a complete and utter meltdown.
This wonderfully accurate drawing by Red Howling is the month of August’s featured cartoon in my Pets of the Homeless Australia calendar.
Both are Australian companies who passionately, and creatively, work to engage and support our vulnerable members of our society.
In turn, this sums up my year to date.
I have posts that I have not made public on this blog – will do so over the next few weeks.
Fair to say that 2019 is nothing like I expected, I am in a strange but safe place in life.
Christmas Eve I felt my self snap – I simply broke inside – my ability to bounce back, my spark, my life force was snuffed out. Since then I’ve declined rapidly, despite extensive and increased professional medical support and therapy.
I again find myself unemployed, unemployable and without the ability to even think of work – this has never happened to me before. I’ve always been a worker and thrown myself into jobs, careers and education to re-create myself. Driven by money, sense of self through profession and need to be needed – dreaming of work, working 50 – 60 hour weeks, 7 days a week. Starting at 6.30 in the morning and leaving at 6 pm at night to do more work.
I’ve burnt out, been burned professionally and lost trust, hope and faith in the corporate world.
Since the start of May, I haven’t worked and will not be returning to work again in the foreseeable future. I cannot even manage minimal tasks without sensory overload, I’ve reverted back to old behaviours which I try to keep in check.
The remainder of 2019 remains a mystery – one thing I do know is that I cannot even think of working or studying – I have an internal meltdown. Apparently I have a huge amount of therapy and work on myself that I cannot even fathom the enormity of what I’ve hidden for so many years.
To sum it up, my house, garden and cats are my safe haven for now and I keep stimulus to a minimum to the best of my ability.
My plan is to write, undertake therapy and nurture self through gardening indoor and outdoor plants and gardens and seek minimal communication with friends. It’s all too overwhelming.
Yet, I am safe, calm in this very second, and know that I have done the best I can.
Speak soon.
Love,
Me.
Isabella.
xxxxx
I miss you Mum..happy birthday..xx
It’s mums birthday today.
Drove around the streets of less than salubrious suburbs I dragged myself up in reflecting on the past, houses and schools.
Song – You and Me by Penny and the Quarters – https://youtu.be/H8rumyup0Os
Song – You and Me – Penny and the Quarters
Happy birthday Mum – I miss you so much.
Love,
Me
One of my favourite songs – You and Me – Penny another Quarters
Credits: https://eccentricsoul45s.bandcamp.com/album/penny-the-quarters-you-and-me-b-w-some-other-love
My last post was over a year ago – when I thought I had it together and was getting going again.
And I was – and am.
Yet I am going through yet another downward spiral that has lasted for quite a few months this year …. the positive is that I am seeing the truth, reality and positive in all that is, has been and will be.
Life is like a merry-go-round – you go up and down and round and round – wondering when the ride will end, who will be there waiting for you and why aren’t you having a great time?
Looking back at life, I see stages, lifetimes and growth … I also see pain, denial and death.
Looking into the future I see the same – and I don’t know how I am going to keep going. Yet I must. I truly have no choice in the matter as I do see a future – a reason for living and continuing to strive for a better, healthier me.
That is it for now.
Isabella.
x
