Category: Reflections

Reasons to be grateful and sober:

1. Clear mind and thinking with clarity;
2. Less mood swings and feelings of anxiety;
3. More money – less money spent on wine and food to soak the wine up;
4. No more drink driving;
5. More time to self to complete goals – both daily and long-term;
6. Improved relationship with The Boy;
7. Improved relationship with Mum;
8. Ability to be the best at work that I possibly can be;
9. Less tired, more energy;
10. Able to sleep soundly;
11. No more night sweats;
12. No more paranoia or trying to cover my tracks;
13. No longer feeling like I am tied to a bottle;
14. Less cravings for wine;
15. Obsessive thinking of when, how and how much I can drink from when I first wake up (first thoughts are in the shower);
16. No more drinking during work hours and getting paranoid that people will realise;
17. No more regrets for actions or words spoken after a couple of glasses of wine;
18. Ability to have healthy friendships not based on drinking;
19. Liver will feel a lot healthier;
20. Body will feel healthier;
21. Skin will be clearer;
22. Lose the “Wine Weight”

So I am still sober – I am not wanting to count the days as I feel that it may be self-defeating and a negative pathway to sobriety. So I will focus on the things that I have realised in the last week and how I have managed to get this far:

1. I have realised that the only time I am a loser is when I am drinking. When I am not drinking and give myself a chance I am actually ok.
2. I cannot stop after one glass – proof is in the pudding as they say.
3. It was not unusual for me to stop on the way home and have at least 3 or 4 glasses of white wine in an hour to just feel like going home. Yes, I would drive. No, it is not ‘normal’
4. I would constantly plan how and when to have my next drink – first thing in the morning it was my thought.
5. I could go two days without a drink but that was it.
6. Last time I was sober for 6 months and in AA it was all due to ‘self will’, which although sounds good, if you follow the AA steps, Self Will is what you should be concious of. Hence I failed as I hadn’t asked for help.
7. This time I have completely given all ownership away and continually ask for guidance and assistance because it is obvious I cannot do it myself.
8. HALTT is a huge thing for me – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired and Thirsty. Once I recognised that a lot of my cravings for white wine were actually cravings for a cold drink or juice.
9. Tired is also a huge thing for me as I would drink wine for energy, rather than have a nap, excercise or eat something healthy for energy. Even if The Boy was away I wouldn’t nap as I felt guilty and bad for being so lazy.
10. Just don’t have the first drink – very true. If you don’t have the first drink, you won’t finish the bottle.
11. I only know of two other people like me and they don’t do the stupid things that I do;
12. I actually like myself more when I am not drinking.
13. I still remember the BAD way the first glass affects me – I get all loose limbed, sure, relaxed, however it isn’t always a nice feeling. Sometimes I would drink even when I didn’t feel like it because I knew that after the first one, the rest would be better.
14. I have lost so much time, self-respect and achievements from drinking – it was my ‘hobby’ and the reason that I didn’t finish things or why I would not hold to my commitments – when or if I would make them.

Think that’s it for now.

Isabella.

x

1. Walked past a couple yesterday who were getting the flat tire changed on their car. Made a pleasant comment an thought flickered that it could me be me as I haven’t had my car serviced for over a year. Coincidence?

2. Today I decided to leave early for an appointment only to find a flat tire on my car. I was on the way to shop and visit someone.

Never had a flat tire before.

Serves me right for not having my car serviced.

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2 Days

Well, Day 1 wasn’t too hard in light of not drinking. It was hard due to the detox I have started to help my liver, lose weight, live healthier and get some fitness up back. At the moment I am foggy headed, bone weary and depressed – all because I am drinking juices, water and not having sugar or caffeine. Also goes without saying – no alcohol.

So why have I decided to do this AGAIN? Give up alcohol AGAIN?

Simple – because The Boy and I had the most frank discussion we have ever had and it scared me that he knew that my drinking was out of control and I thought that I had hidden it from everyone. How wrong was I.

Thankfully The Boy still cares about me enough to tell me and not just walk away.

The Boy and I spoke on Monday night and it came out that he does feel bitter about two things:

1. Me never finishing anything;
2. My drinking and inablity to stop or just have one;

It was a break through – he even mentioned how bad our lifestyle is in way of fitness and food, that we rarely eat vegetables, never have fruit in the house and barely excercise (well he does semi-regurlarly whereas I walk the dog). I discussed how I felt that I was always walking on eggshells, never knowing when he was going to snap at me, or when he would have a go at something. We discussed that he would not mention me drinking anymore, however would take it out in other ways hence my confusion and my retaliation as I wasn’t knowing where his anger was coming from. We also discussed his lack of support when I was sober for 6 months in 2011 and his lack of understanding truly what it means to be an alcoholic.

I didn’t sleep Monday night as it hit me – again – that my life was being affected in a major way due to my drinking, that The Boy was the main one that was being affected aside from myself.

No-one even knows the true extent of my drinking – only me. And it scares the hell out of me when I know how much I drink and what stupid things I do when I am drinking – always alone, never with anyone.

I truly do not want to stop drinking. I want to be able to live a healthy life, excercise, finish projects and have a clear head. But I am not able to whilst i am drinking because after one I cannot stop.

AA helped me in Feb 2011, however I got tired of obsessing NOT to drink rather than the good things so after six months stopped.

I am hoping to now keep the basics of AA in mind, focus on living healthy, eating well and loving The Boy and being there fully for work and for my family.

I know there are tough times ahead and The Boy knows it as well – although he doesn’t know just how tough it might be.

I am doing this for myself only as I know that if I was to lose The Boy, my job and my life due to drinking, that would be the end of me. I would never survive the guilt, self-hatred or have the strength to rebuild my life again.

So I am making a choice – white wine or me.

I chose me.

isabella.

xxxx