One of my favourite poems by A.A. Milne – The End – When We Were Very Young – Poohs Corner
The End by A.A. Milne
The End.
The End.
Author: Isabella
Childish People Pleasing
This year I’ve seen the extreme spectrum of people’s behaviour – toxic and revolting bullying and abuse to pure love, acceptance and kindness. Gratitude reins supreme.
This year I’ve experienced the most toxic situations I have been in since my childhood. All by choice. Witnessed the full spectrum of positive and negative behaviour of others and myself- and nearly come undone by my childish people pleasing.
I’ve been bullied, shamed and allowed myself to be victimised. I’ve believed the toxic people I chose to listen to when they said I wasn’t normal, I’m too much, I’m too little, boring, have nothing of interest to say, their “shoulds” and changes I need to make – for them.
Reflecting back, I’ve been doing this since late 20’s – tried to be what others wanted. And it hurt. It hurt really really badly because I always failed to be enough and their image of what I ”should” be.
Also this year, I’ve had amazing gifts of friendship, support, guidance and acceptance of……me. The Isabella who has no longer got a shield of denial or hiding places – I’ve had no choice. I’ve been reduced to a blubbering mess and forced to accept all that I am – all her odd ways, self sabotaging and also the positive aspects of me.
Through the kindness of new friends and the acceptance and willingness to reconnect of old friends who have known me since I was 17, I have felt loved, appreciated and cherished. I’ve learned that not everyone will appreciate me in all my erratic ways and that’s ok.
The friends that accept me – warts and all – are the ones that truly matter. They are the ones I need to listen to. Not the ones that tell me that I’m not normal, I don’t communicate well or that want me to change to fit their image and lift.
I’ve had an absolute toxic revolting year – yet a very very soft landing where I am safe, secure and willing to learn. I have so so many blessings and am aware of them on a daily basis – my gratitude list is long.
I’ve got a lot of learning and healing to do. I still make mistakes daily/hourly. But I’m willing to learn new behaviours and to appreciate every person in my life as they are. If I don’t want to be told I must change and conform then I have no right or desire to demand others change or to tell them they are wrong.
So thankful to have the ability to reflect and grow – thanks to key people in my life that have shown me what true friendship and love looks like.
I am loved, loathed, tolerated, accepted and rejected – and all of it is ok.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Luv,
Isabella.
Just another day.
Forty-five and still alive……
Forty five,
Still alive,
Split in two,
I know not who.
I don’t normally rely on other people’s written content to explain or communicate my message. However, this year has been so confusing, toxic, shocking and draining that occasionally I have no words.
Nor do I have the energy to conjure up the enthusiasm to write positive and, hopefully, funny/wry observations of my life.
The short poem at the start – actually it’s not a poem – it’s only words. Yet I wrote this post on Sunday and could not continue – I lost the will to think further. I lost a few hours and continue to do so – both figuratively and literally – life has taken on a feeling of surreal surrender.
When looking up humour, the ever faithful and insidious beast that is the unreliable Wikipedia states that there are many “Theories of Humour“. One theory of Humour in particular is very fitting for the Unfathomable Life of Isabella.
The “Incongruous Juxtaposition Theory” (don’t you just love the name!! I’m actually in awe of the heading let alone the precise fit of this theory to my life. Full stop). Wiki states:
“……The incongruity theory states that humor is perceived at the moment of realization of incongruity between a concept involved in a certain situation and the real objects thought to be in some relation to the concept.…”
Ha! My life!
Finally – this post was started on Sunday – my 45th birthday. It has taken me until today to have the fortitude to revisit the post and the day. I spent it exactly how I wanted – the same way I have spent all birthdays, anniversaries, Easter’s and Christmas since my mother died in April 2015. Alone. At home. Alive and loved by my cats.
Another irony was my horoscope thanks to Astrology Answers:
“Oct 13, 2019 – You have the Full Moon in Aries in your seventh house of partnerships, Libra. No matter what your relationship status is right now, today’s Full Moon is inspiring you to bring a matter to a close with great relief. Wherever you can show the love in your world right now, Libra, is exactly where you will feel it.
Follow the creative and passionate energy of the Full Moon in Aries today, Libra, and a closed chapter or relief in love or life are very possible. Today’s Full Moon is amplifying some changes or closed chapters for you here. If you are hoping for a partnership to go to the next level, then make a move today as this is in your favor. Your perception is pretty en pointe today as well.
And you will very easily be able to pick up signs and clues from Universe about any partnerships today as well, Libra.“
Oh boy did I pick up the signs and clues for partnerships on Sunday. Bye bye Joey.
Until next time.
Luv,
Me.
Like A Cat
I lived in your shadow
I drove your car
You thought I belonged in your four walls
I was never your bunny
I was never, never your pet
When you threw me out the window
I landed on my feet
Yeah you threw me out the window
Like a, like a, like a cat
Hey mister you can never own me
I only let you hold me like a cat
And mister you can never know me
I only let you stroke me, like a, like a
You thought I’d be purring
Curled up by your fire
Don’t want to be kept for your desire
You said I should be happy
But it only made me sad
And when you could never tame me
That made you mad
No you could never tame me
Like a, like a, like a cat
Hey mister you can never own me
I only let you hold me like a cat
And mister you can never know me
I only let you stroke me
You rescued…
Source: LyricFind
FML
I hate that f*****g movie.
Re-reading my posts from years gone by I have been struck by one very obvious fact.
My entire life is Groundhog Day.
And I fucking detest that movie – it creeps me out.
And it appears I have the lead role.
For fucks sake – can someone re-cast this role – I don’t wanna play no more.
Ta.
A sulking, irritated Isabella.
Photo credit: Ryan Jacob Smith
