Author: Isabella

Desperate to Get Out From Under this Cloud

3rd January, 2012 – reflections of diary entry. Life was bleak.

I am desperate to not sink into this hole of blackness. To not curl up into a ball and cry, cry, cry. I hate myself, I have no energy and I cannot really see the point. I am so tired of fighting everything – my past, my families history, fighting to maintain a normal existence and do all the things I ‘should’.

My mood is black and bleak.

Yet I still try to maintain a normal exterior – fruit and vegie shopping, knife shopping, bought a juicer for healthier living, walked the dog, marinated a chicken breast, took the garbage bins out, fed all of the animals, folded towels. All in an hour and a half. I used to have four drinks in the same time and ended up feeling relaxed, numb and energised. Now I just feel tired and depressed. So much for healthy, happy living.

My mood may definitely have something to do with the fact that I really only had 3-4 hours sleep last night and it was the first day back at work. AND I did not have a drop of caffeine (tea, coffee or diet Coke) or sugar throughout the day.

So tired I could sleep right here and now, but I am unable to because The Boy is due home soon and I will have to cook dinner – a heap of vegies, chicken and rice for The Boy – no rice for me.

I really don’t want to be a depressive. I am sure that after a good feed, a sleep and a fresh mind, I will be better tomorrow. I hope.

Luv me please.

Desperate to Get Out From Under this Cloud

I am desperate to not sink into this hole of blackness. To not curl up into a ball and cry, cry, cry. I hate myself, I have no energy and I cannot really see the point. I am so tired of fighting everything – my past, my families history, fighting to maintain a normal existence and do all the things I ‘should’.

My mood is black and bleak.

Yet I still try to maintain a normal exterior – fruit and vegie shopping, knife shopping, bought a juicer for healthier living, walked the dog, marinated a chicken breast, took the garbage bins out, fed all of the animals, folded towels. All in an hour and a half. I used to have four drinks in the same time and ended up feeling relaxed, numb and energised. Now I just feel tired and depressed. So much for healthy, happy living.

My mood may definitely have something to do with the fact that I really only had 3-4 hours sleep last night and it was the first day back at work. AND I did not have a drop of caffeine (tea, coffee or diet Coke) or sugar throughout the day.

So tired I could sleep right here and now, but I am unable to because The Boy is due home soon and I will have to cook dinner – a heap of vegies, chicken and rice for The Boy – no rice for me.

I really don’t want to be a depressive. I am sure that after a good feed, a sleep and a fresh mind, I will be better tomorrow. I hope.

Damn It – Back Where I Started

Damn it.

I am back where I started in February 2010.

Well, that’s not quite true. Life is not as confused, messed up or at risk as it was in February, however 11 months later I am having the SAME conversation with The Boy and the SAME conclusion has been drawn.

I simply cannot drink. Ever. At all. Never. Again.

I was sober for six months, thought I could go back to drinking and ‘control’ it, however drinking controls me and turns me out of control.

At least this time I know what to expect, what not to do, what to do and it seems that I may be able to be more open to Jon about not drinking and the efforts it takes.

Life has definately started to get messy, I have started to regret drinking sessions, watch what I am drinking around certain people and planning on a drinking session when it is ‘safe’ to do so. Even if it is just one glass of wine on my own.

I have also found that my tolerance is extremely high – 3/4 bottle of champagne in an hour – no problem. 4 glasses of white wine in an hour and a half? Done. Still walking.

I am 37 and I have to face the fact that no matter what I try and how I try to control alcohol, it always ends up controlling me.

I don’t want to lose what I have, I want to be proud of myself, I want my friends and family to be proud of me – I don’t want to continue to wonder if I have slipped up and let on that I was drunk, or had been drinking when I shouldn’t have.

So as of Tuesday 3rd January, I am now a sober alcoholic.

I will try to be happy about it, will try to remember the hints and tips that AA taught me and will try to keep in mind why I am doing this. I want to be healthy, happy and energetic, my liver to be happy with me and The Boy to be happy with me. I need to do this for me, my family and my future. If I don’t, I have no doubt that my fears of ending up where I started, and worse, will come to fruition, I will end up on the street or with a bunch of no-hopers just drinking and drugging. Or worse, not being here at all, because I have decided to disappear, to end life because it is all too hard.

I have told The Boy today that I will stop drinking again today – he has heard it before but he should know that I am not as bad as I was, that I have recently stopped for six months so can do it again.

And I will.

Isabella.

xx