Author: Isabella

I truly do not know what the future holds for me and it scares me …. even though I know no-one else knows either.

I have never been scared of the unknown in this way – I always felt like the master of my own destiny. However I feel I have lost the power in the last year since mum died.

Perhaps it has something to do with the realisation that I could not bring mum back after dying?? That I was completely and utterly helpless – her death was ultimately beyond my control. I remember pacing in my room upstairs with this rage and feeling of hopelessness and loss of control that I could not bring her back.

I have never felt so helpless in my life.

Nothing I could do, say or negotiate would bring her back to life.

And that devastated me.

I always had control. And then I didn’t.

This sense of powerlessness has been reinforced by my ex-partner Joey refusing to leave my home despite me begging, pleading, threateninig, negotiating and every other avenue I can think of. He simply refuses to leave until he is ready. Despite telling me he has not loved me for close to 2 years now. Despite having separate rooms 2 months after mum died. This situation has added to my sense of powerlessness and loss of control – I cannot even be respected enough for an ex boyfriend to move out. And no. I will not call the police as he is not violent, and I don’t want that horrible situation in my house. So I am stuck.

I’m living with someone I don’t want in my life.

And living without someone I dearly want back in my life.

Why am I not drinking. Every. Single. Day. I will never know. But I’m not and that’s a bonus.

It is almost a year since mum died and I am still grieving. Still lost.

Without her, I feel like I have no direction, drive or desire to live beyond doing the minimum actions – work, clean the house, grocery shop and read.

I have realised that I a lot of my passion, drive, strength and focus from looking after her – in the last 3 years of her life most of my drive came from anger, hurt and frustration. I look back and there was a lot sadness and a sense of unfairness in how life had mistreated my beautiful mum and how sad and lonely she was.

Without her, I feel like I am nothing. Nobody. That I have no future beyond my reality now – which is, in many ways ok.

I have a new career I forged by turning my back on sales and management and studying for a year to enter a new, caring career in the welfare sector. I have a part-time job I mostly enjoy except for a couple of bitchy females. I have my gorgeous family home that I can afford to pay for on my own. I have a couple of friends who are wonderful. I have my health and slowly building a financial stability.

What I don’t have, and I continually focus on is a family to love me unconditionally, who call me or I can call them and say ‘Hi, I love you’. I have no one who loves me at all. I don’t have my mum to look after, or my nan to say ‘chin up, don’t get yourself all upset’. I have no family whatsoever. I miss them so much. I need them so much.

The irony is that out of everyone I know, I am perhaps the neediest out of anyone and am the one that needs family – I don’t have a partner, cannot have children, do not have siblings. I literally have no family. And that hurts.

I have always felt different, set apart  from the rest, and now even more so. Noone can truly understand the depths of loneliness I feel.

The last year has seen me have a breakdown for six months after mum died, endure a long and drawn relationship break down which is still ongoing as the guy won’t move out until he builds his house. So there is the constant reminder of the love I used to have and don’t have anymore.

I try to focus on the good, but at the moment my mind is swamped with sadness and that hurts.

I miss the old me – the fun loving, happy, passionate and driven girl who had dreams, desires and goals. Always on the go – now, I am lucky if I can find a reason to get out of bed.

Isabella.

xx